Skiing can be a cruel sport and probably something more suited to people who are extremely comfortable falling down mountain peaks the height of Mount Everest while wearing two pieces of board that can get one up to near the speed of light before crashing headlong into a tree. Look good in ski clothing and look bad while trying to ski and it, meaning buy good-looking clothing but rent the instruments of death otherwise known as ‘skis.’

Consider that Alpine skiing equipment can probably set one back seven or eight years of pay and that it can also get one down a mountain quicker than a Star Wars spaceship moved through that galaxy that was long ago and far away. Consider, also, that that lightspeed-inducing gear can be rented, and for prices far less than the hospital stay and physical therapy, which will be needed after falling down the mountain, will cost.

This is why it can be a magnificent idea to just go with the rental gear and get clothing that’ll help somebody look like they’ve conquered the last two Winter Olympics and walked away with all of the gold medals. And though being laughed at because the bunny slope is the only ski area that the fake Olympic skier will be on, consider the sheer mortal danger of skiing on a hill higher than a few feet in height. It’ll all be worth it in the end.

And the first thing that a little money should be spent on is a nice black sport watch. This handy little instrument can tell all kinds of time, especially the time when the clubhouse’s happy hour is set to kick off. It’s certainly worth the equivalent of receiving endless huzzahs for having skied the tallest slope, though that was an accident that took place after having gotten on the wrong lift.

Much of this obsession with skiing is also why it’ll be a pretty smart idea to get a black helmet for wear while tumbling (which is actually the word that should be substituted for ‘skiing, ‘ in most peoples’ cases) down a slope; it’ll hide all the dents that one took to the noggin while running into other skiers and more than a few trees. The ski patrol will certainly be appreciative, at least.

There’s really no great secret to skiing other than to realize that man was not made to hurtle down 80% inclines at greater than the speed of light. All of that white stuff seems cruelly designed by some omnipotent deity who likes to watch the tiny little — and very fragile — humans fall down on it and then roll around in agony. Oh, but the gods are foul masters!

In the end, what’s smarter? Dropping thousands on some skiing equipment that will usually end up gathering dust after the first life-threatening ski experience or renting that gear and spending the money on some hot looking clothing? Sit in the clubhouse, look good — even if there’s no hope of being good — and bask in the warmth of a nice fire and an equally warm toddy.